Okay, so, let’s calm down: where was the last place you remembered seeing it?
I woke in a pillow and blanket tangle. What I did in my sleep is clearly between the blanket and the mattress, and they’re not talking.
My arm involuntarily jerked up and broke free from the blanket pretzel and reached for my phone. 7:04. Crap. Not being independently wealthy blows. And I’m late.
Shower. Trip into my clothes and slap on makeup. I may work from home, but sometimes I see me in the computer and my unmade reality can be harsh in the cold light of the computer.
My mascara smeared. Why, mascara, why??
Little dog is whining. Quiet, little dog…I’m coming…dear lord…
Rushing now — downstairs, feed the dogs. Back up into the kitchen. Brew coffee — no, don’t want coffee. Down to the office. Logon. Walk the dogs. Go back to the kitchen for a seltzer.
Wait — where is it.
Look at the dogs: where is it?
They look away. They know where it is. Jerks.
Not on my desk. Not on the floor.
Search my coat pockets — but I didn’t take it on our walks, did I?
Look on the dog crates.
Back to the kitchen — it’s not there. It’s gone.
Good lord, where the frack is my phone?
It must be upstairs.
To the nightstand!
It’s not there.
It’s not on the floor by the bed. Not on top of the dresser. Not on the bed.
Not in the bathroom.
Wait, didn’t it go with me down to the office? Like with me to the dogs?
Back downstairs. Look on the dog crates again.
Look at the dogs, again: where is it??
They look at me. Silence. Knowing bastards.
Did you eat it?? I yell at the big one.
Back up to the kitchen. Search the counter. In the cabinets. Open the refrigerator.
Panic officially settles in.
Panic: Where the **** is your phone!?
I do not know!
Back up to my room.
Have I lost my mind? It must be here. Didn’t I look at it when I woke up?
Panic: Did you look on your bed??
Yes, Panic! I did look there…(asshole)…
Still, I throw myself on the bed face first arms out. Roll over and make a blanket angel —trying to feel if it’s under the covers. (I’m desperate but lazy; god, I don’t want to rip off the covers only to have to make the freaking bed again…)
I feel nothing.
Panic: Hurry! The bathroom!
Bathroom — cabinet, again? Medicine cabinet??? Did i take it in the shower??? Why would I do that???? But maybe I DID????
Panic: In the shower! Look in the shower!!
Dammit — it’s not there!!!!
Panic: Bedroom — open all the drawers and just throw all the clothes on the floor!!!
It’s not there!!!
Panic: I’m freaking out!!!!
You’re freaking out?? It’s not your phone! Oh, my god! Where is it????
Panic: What if you NEVER find it?????
Oh, god. What if I never find it!?
Panic: TAKE OFF THE BEDSPREAD! THE BLANKET!! THE SHEETS!!! THE PILLOWCASES!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD — DON’T FORGET TO LOOK IN THE PILLOWCASES!!!!
Dogs still staring. Large one yawns. Small one looks worried. She knows something.
Panic: LOOK IN THE DOG CRATES!!!!
Rip out all the bedding. NOTHING.
I fed the dogs.
This morning, I fed the dogs.
Open the cupboard. Shelf, above dog food: phone.
Panic: We really do make a good team.